I met someone tonight

at a comic book keggar

I'm pretty drunk.

I nEED MOAR FOods

I am about to write this next portion stating that I truly 100% don't know everything about myself but I still have a pretty good picture of who I am. Also I feel like a complete elitist asshole when I write it but it's how I feel.

It's frustrating to see people dating people they shouldn't because they have warped perception of what love is. This is why people in general have such a high divorce rate. They associate abuse, manipulation, jealousy, and anger for someone "caring". People get married have kids get divorced and spawn off a new generation of people who hold the same values of people who truly didn't know what they wanted. These people tend to not have any form of introspect or way to evaluate themselves. Continuing to perpetuate the mistakes of their parents. Archetypes have a huge role in this. I'm not saying I'm immune to this by any means. I've fallen victim to this many times before but each time I have evaluated why things got to that level where as others, rather than facing the pain escape it (alcohol, drugs, games, books). It's annoying to know I live in a world (or at least a culture) that really doesn't give a shit. I hate this feeling of people being no thicker than a paper plate.

Quickpost this image to Myspace, Digg, Facebook, and others!

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/6830/1239113632920.jpg

I've decided that girls don't know what the fuck they want. They just derive all their decisions off impulse and how they feel about situations. At least this seems to be the norm. They get caught up on some guy because they don't validate them, then constantly bitch about how they don't validate them. Then they bitch to you or their friends about how they don't validate them all the while not realizing the fucking solution. It's annoying they don't realize the solution has been right fucking in front of their nose the whole time. Yet, in their insecurity choose to make a dumb move and start trying to look for another guy or cheat on their current boyfriend or look to other arms for validation. It's annoying to know you are going to be that guy just because you are understanding or are nice.

You know what I'm talking about the guy. I find myself surrounded by attracted women who all have boyfriends but have nothing much to say accept how unhappy they are. It's been this way for me since like high school. Then in lack of (in lack of better judgement) I let my feelings on the situation get the best of me and I dive head first into a shit fiesta. Hell I end up getting laid and then almost exactly 2 months later almost down to the day I get dumped and the girl tells me how much of an asshole I am all the while I'm wondering what the fuck I did wrong. It's annoying to say the least.

The only other solutions that seems to work for the majority of other people is to be a complete asshole. Yet I can't fully live wit the concept of being an asshole. I've tried. I don't think it works too much if you have a conscience. Like the time I had multiple girl friends and quite literally I just found myself catching myself saying what the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I thinking. All the while it wasn't even remotely about who I was with it was more about the rush of dating multiple people. Where I could see how that could be appealing to most but my conscience always made me nauseated eventually to the point I vomitted and then came clean with everyone.

I donno half of this shit is just out of the frustration and I don't really feel like bitching about it to anyone without it being misconstrued seeing how some of my friends I would talk to about this are girls and at least 2 of them may see it as a situation they had with me I decided to just angst about it here.

Why the fuck not.

Sometimes I feel like people expect me to be better than some shitty angst every now and then and that's fucking annoying.

alright i'm done for now.

240 down from 260. Lets see how much further I can go. I'm shooting for 200 in about 3 months.

I'm thinking that today is going to yield something good.

I've come to the conclusion I've become numb to stimulus because I couldn't thrive or do anything else if I don't. It's either that or I'm just coping extremely well with the circumstances that I've been given.

It maybe just that I've become bitter and needed to release anger, but I feel that people are becoming a lot less like people and more like animals. Not in the sense that everyone is getting fangs and growing fur, but in general people seem to be acting more on their self serving instincts rather than learned virtue and moral. Maybe it's just a sign of the times or maybe it's just something I've noticed withing the people I've interacted with recently.

It seems to me that the people in question lack the ability to have introspect. I feel with that ability allows people to better evaluate themselves and make better choices about their lives. To know and better associate their own feelings is key to life management. Without these skills people's impulse go uncheacked and people have no way to step outside their own shoes and see someone else's life and circumstance. With the inability to show empathy or concern or see reason or purpose to do things that will better serve others rather than just themself. I feel that it's a learned attribute to fight that impulse and I feel that those who don't fight it are weak.

I'm not saying I follow this to a T nor am I trying to say I'm a saint. Though those who don't strive to this I feel are just becoming apart of the equation of the balance of things. They never learn to strive for better and constantly live in doubt of themselves and others.

getting off the high horse now and joining the angst that is LJ.

Basically, I need a vacation. A real one. I would love to go to California, but the only time I will be able to get any glimpse of a vacation would be during the one week I have in between Summer and Fall semester. However the governemnt has better plans for me, in fact that have graced me with Jury duty that week.

Sweet.

any way

this is my moment of zen

shit or whatever. I just want some sanity.

I'm really feeling pretty awesome right now I just wish there were more hours in the day. I hardly get to see anyone any more. I have been getting to working out a lot more recently and I've been slimming down. I think I can get back into the shape I was back in high school pretty soon if i keep at it.

Just give JJ and Sarge the notice that they do in fact need to leave the house back on 06/14. Still need to set up a recorded statement with my lawyer for the insurance company so they can cover the chiropractics.

need to pay bills tonight when I get back home.


Damnit I'm old.

Fuckin I would love to go back to high school and just chill the fuck out hang out with my friends every day and play basketball.

I keep finding myself doubting what I do and why I do it. Not just in one aspect in my life but in several. Though I have a hard time talking about it or admitting it. I hope it's not stubborn pride instilled in me cause of my dad. Either way best not to worry.

Kenny's been getting better since shit hit the fan. Gets drunk entirely too much though. I think he's trying to escape. Though I'd never admit it to him he's becoming more and more like Katie with his actions. He is going through an Identity phase because the identity he knew was ripped from him. He used to be Ken-Katie. He didn't know how to live for himself and only himself.


meh i'll finish this talk later

pretty good.

As of now any way. Sorry it's been so long! I don't try to do updates when things aren't the greatest. Everything pretty much resolved itself. We kicked out all the roommates just leaving me and Kenny in the apt. We also got some new roommate that are going to be able to make the payment for the first and I actually will have money on the side to slay the credit card dragon that's been growing. Who ever though Star Wars money would come back to bite you.

<.<

>.>


My apt is starting to feel like a real apt again. We have it fully furnished now. Plenty of supplies in the kitchen. Roomies that aren't going to do something absolutely retarded, Everyone works, and within the last week we all have gotten interest from a girl that we just met! It's a pretty exciting time in Casa de Baker.


Oh yeah and we started to grill every Sunday. It's open invite, and pretty awesome.

any way I'm going to go running before I get some studying done for my A+ Hardware class.

we signed a lease and moved in to an apartment 04/01/2009

Me, Tom, Katie, and Kenny

all on the lease.

Kenny was in a room with Katie -- They have been dating for 4 years

Tom is in a room with Britney-- They have been dating on and off for about 1 year

and I had a room off to myself

AND we had a guest bedroom.

it was a 4:3 apartment.

on April 10th 2009 my brother discovers Katie and Tom fucking down by the lake at 4:30 am in the morning.

Tom and Katie left because everyone at the apartment was upset by their actions.

Tom and Katie still want to live in the apartment.

Britney, Kenny, and I want them to leave

Katie was expressing to Kenny how she wished everything would be forgotten and everything could go back to normal.

Kenny says that will never happen.

Kenny and Britney are going insane. Tom and Katie don't seem to care and I feel the only reason they are showing any form of compassion to Kenny and Britney is because they both have no place else to go.

They think they can live in here and just live normal lives in the same apartment as us after all the shit they just pulled.

We also found out that Tom did have any money saved up. Only a loan that he took out which is nearly gone and is barley going to pick up the first month's rent.

Basically we are fucked.

I feel like this is my fault.

Kenny is my twin brother and I vouched for tom. fucking vouched for him.

fml

My schedule is crazy, Signed the lease today, moving in tomorrow, only half my shit is packed and my room is in total disarray and I have to sleep in it tonight and study still and do laundry and I'm like goin crazy.

I think I might be home sick for a while. Then again I think it might be nice to actually get out of my house because my father is an oppressive dick most the time.

I really need to be healthier, my family's health scares me.

any way i gotta study in the morning. G'night

wish me luck.

I'm in the process of determining the Pros/Cons of going to full sail university. I know the horror stories, but I also know that it'd be the fastest way to get the education I want and is directly angled to what I want to do. The one thing that's pushing me now is the face that a majority of my general education credits will go to full sail and cut tuition costs which would be amazing. I have enough faith in myself right now that after I get out of school a full sail I'll be able to get a job with at least EA tiburon and possibly one of the simulation groups in the back of winter park.

*side note*
My little sister and her friends are singing the song "Get back mother fucker you don't know me like that" in the kitchen right now blaring it to the loudest they can get it and I'm about ready to step out there and kick their faces in. I hate non-thug white people trying to be thug.

I'm thinking I still have a good portion of my prepaid college on me after i come back from full sail so I think the best course of action i could take is use loans on the full sail and do the bachelors degree in programming/game design, then move back over to UCF and complete either their masters at FIEA for production. If they don't accept the credits then I'll take my credits from Valencia again and use it to get a bachelors in business.

If i stay focused and don't get caught up in the hyper apathy that seems to plague the school and put my best foot forward always I feel like this is going to be the best decisions for me.

This has been something I've been contemplating since I was in 9th grade and I don't want to be done with school later and be like "what if i went to full sail and did their degree instead of took the path at ucf". I feel like right now at UCF I'm not getting the education specific to the industry I want to enter and I won't until I work until a masters. I need to learn now when I'm younger and able to make a footprint. I have a lot of great ideas I just want the tools to make them happen and I it's not that I think I won't be able to get the education I want at UCF, I just think I'm not going to be around like minded individuals going toward a same goal. I just hope they aren't all smelly kids in the program when I go through it.

I'm going to full sail.

Kenny recently has had this obsession with electronic music and finding new artist. I showed him Pandora the other day and he hasn't done anything but obsessed about the site ever since. He wants to get a Synth now. I'm pretty excited to hear that, Kenny and I could make some sweet beats not to mention Tom could probably come up with something awesome as well. Maybe I could even lay down some awesome guitar. I'm probably going to take borrow my sister's guitar cause she hasn't been using it recently and practice on that.

I just now finally have gotten over my cold that has hit me like a plague recently. It's prevented me from doing any working out what so ever so I'm really behind now. I plan on doing nothing but cardio when I hit back at the gym. I don't want to get any bigger I just want to lean down now.

I've been talking with Hex and Aaron recently about the Nerdapalooza stuff and I have to say it's looking great. I'm kinda worried about some of the line up though. I feel like it's be better if he had solid blocks of quality rather than quantity. let's face it most nerdcore is miserable. There are the few exceptions that is really great like Marc with a C and Dark Lord Schafer, but those are far and few between. I hope hex's got all the funding together cause it's getting harder and harder to get supporters in this kind of economy.

I really admire the guys at A Comic Shop. They are out there doing exactly what they want to do with there lives and doing it well. The energy they bring to the community and to the store is amazing. I hope that one day I might be behind a project or a store and be half as successful. The store has an enthusiasm, events, and community like no other store or group that I've ever seen. I always wanted to do stuff like they are doing for games that would come out for Gamestop but the bureaucracy of a corporate setting always prevented me from doing so.

I messaged Juli last night and got a reply. I don't think I'm ready to be completely alright with everything that happened between us. I want to be civil though.

Freezepop is at AKA lounge on Thursday and I'm going. I want to be writing or doing something more than I am right now. I don't feel like I'm living up to the expectations of myself. I want by July for me to be involved in some sort of project or business that starts to set down the path for what I want to do with the rest of my life. At the very least a healthy hobby that's constructive and leads to something. Like maybe a comic, a band, or modding or constructing a game.

I can't believe this news article.

http://kotaku.com/5154088/i-know-im-young-but-i-plan-to-be-a-good-dad

I think I need to take a break from eating so much hot sauce. My insides feel like blah. But then again I'm sick so it's probably a mix of the both. At any rate I can't sleep. I went and got DMZ volume 2 yesterday and I just got through reading that earlier last night and read volume 3 of Walking dead.

Just finished watching this



I'm deliriously tired and couldn't stop laughing. In all reality this video is not nearly good enough for me to be laughing as hard as I was. I ended up practicing my photoshop skillz and made the current default icon you see now. also re themed my myspace. It looks pretty sweet now. Well at least I thought it does.

I've decided I'm not going to go into school tomorrow. I have a fever right now and I really don't feel like going through tomorrow's school day then going to work. Regardless I'll probably still end up going to work but I'll spend the time i am staying at home working on Meteorology, which has become the bane of my existence this semester. I really wish that I could get to UCF and start taking classes that will go toward my major already.

Even though I plan on exiting school with a computer science degree I think I'm going to end up staying for production or end up getting rallied onto something dealing with production.

I hate cops and a virus can just started on my computer. I'm going to try and force myself to sleep.

sleeping

I need sleeping pills or something. I think I might dye my hair soon just for the hell of it. It's short enough where I could out grow it if I don't like it any way. I might bleach it down to white or something.

I'm going to be moving out soon. I'm right now trying to help my friend JJ get his debt under control which is actually a lot less than mine. I think what currently is going to be hindering us moving out somewhere would be where my debt is at. I'm going to put everything into bringing it down now though. I really want to get out on my own and starting living for myself. I think then I'll have the motivation to do what I need to no matter what. I feel often that I don't put 100% of myself into things because I know I'll have a cushion. that needs to stop.

I'm looking into what it's going to take to get JJ's debt settled so that way his credit isn't going to come up bad. The low income housing we looked into today said that as a house hold we would be making too much money. Apparently I'd have to be working more of a job at a minimum wage level working the same hours to qualify. That didn't make a lot of sense to me but apparently the maximum income of the household is set by the bank because they are funded by the government to be low income housing. Donna was really nice though and heard our story and was giving us advice on what we needed to do in order to get things taken care of. JJ I think for the first time had things laid out for him the way they where, and how he could make it better.

that kids been through a lot of shit he needs a break.

I've started writing something. I think I might have stumbled upon a good comic idea I donno I'm gonna give it some thought, but yeah.

I've come to hate groups that can't think without each other. I feel everyone involved in those situations are insecure and tend to do way to many drugs.

You know the people that are a total waste of time.

They all pool resources and band together for protection like some sort of medieval tribe. Someone's always in charge and they typically thrive at the expense of others.

I'm beginning to understand what my friend means by saying not to set high expectations for people because chances are your standards are way different than the bar set for the majority.

Today was pretty good left work early though wasn't feeling well. Haven't been feeling well the whole week. Probably wasn't a good choice to go work out again today but, I've been sick all week and I haven't had a chance to go work out in a while. I went with David and Uriel today and got to work a good group of my muscles out. I feel like dick though I should be spending more time on cardio before I start worrying about building muscles. My arms are starting to look bigger but that's not exactly the result i was going for. I'm just glad to be active again.

I wish I could find people that were more like me and people I could actually relate to. I realize after writing that sentence of course that I do know those people it's just they live as busy if not, a busier life style than I do. Maybe I'm just wasting me time with these people in between then.

I left work early so that way I could get some rest. I think I'm going to try and get into ISS by going in early tomorrow and speaking with HR. They need the people at this point and I think if I have to sit one more day over in "Resolutions" or "Service Order Management" I'm going to lose my mind.

Volume 2 of The Walking Dead was really good. I really enjoy how the stories been told so far. I just picked up DMZ volume 1 as well and it was amazing. I really enjoy the urban grafitti look it has too it and the story started to pick up almost immediately.

Had a long talk with bonnie tonight about everything that was going on and was glad at least that she didn't think I was crazy. It sucks sometimes when you have to cut ties with friends and others might look at you like your the complete ass hole but in the long run sometimes you're better off.

any way i'm rambling time to sleep.

The level of maturity of the friends I used to have and the ones I currently have. I realize now that some of them where friends I had a really good time with but are probably not going to be life long friends. Especially people I've given a countless river of advice only to not listen and then when the shit hits the fan then push me away as if it was my fault for not telling her or probably feeling like I'd be like I told you so. Instead she wants to throw a pity party with 3 guys that obviously give her attention cause


A) They 2 of the guys like her.
B) She doesn't want help she just wants pity.
C)Doesn't want to face cold hard facts.


I'm not saying a pity party is bad but jeez these guys are talking about beating the fuck out of him. I'm not down with gang mentality. I would rather get the cold hard facts and take a look at everything in between before making a decision. He probably still would be in the wrong but all these people are hot headed and Jump the gun. That doesn't mean I'm not mad at the kid, but that doesn't mean I'm going to go over that and start wailing on him. Besides there's other better ways to make his life miserable and going over and wailing on him would be the easy way out and make us look like the assholes.

any way

I'm sure she was living in a world of yesterdays and maybes,where she felt like there was a chance of getting back with him. I'm almost positive or else she wouldn't of pried so much and found out from her previously ex's new girlfriend her ex had been cheating on her for the last 4 months of their relationship. Which I am not entirely sure I believe or don't believe which even if that was the case, because that might be something the girl said out of anger cause she was pissed at Stephanie constantly bombarding them. I'm pretty angry too at the fact she was trying to keep these facts hidden from me because she probably doesn't want an I told you so in this situation. That or her friend bonnie who I wouldn't sleep with is making it so I won't be there cause shes mad or whatever that I wouldn't sleep with her. She's a drama fiesta even in the midst of her own drama she made it a point to tell the people whose house I was current at, for me to leave by the time she gets there. I just feel like that's just begging to cause more shit cause I was planning on being there the whole night. Yes i was pissed off about this. We've been friends since 8th grade and the one person she's known to be there for her no matter what she's sending away. I was there when she had the shit with Mike, Phil, and Joe from target. To me though this seems like just what she deserves and the way the universe was evening out cause she was doing shit with Joe when she had a girlfriend. Regardless that doesn't change the fact that I would be there for her no matter what. After this though I don't know.


Also Ty is going to be a defensive prick and have one of his "I'm right your wrong talks soon" that piss me off cause the other day (he lives in a house of seven people before I start sounding like a total dick) I went over to hang out with 2 of his roommates sarge and Carlin. I brought over pizza that I was only going to share with them cause we were going to get high. When I came through and didn't offer her any pizza to Ty's girlfriend coldly walks by the room glares and says "thanks" as if to condescend to us. WTF MAKES HER ENTITLED TO ANYTHING I BRING IN. I don't have a lot of money but I have a decent amount, and I guess she expects every time I have something to bring or eat she's entitled to some some how. She had never said so much as maybe a paragraph to me the whole time I've known her because she's a total fucking recluse. Regardless of that I used to go out of my way to feed this house hold every Thursday and I never heard a single thank you once from her. So i promptly said "What makes you think you're entitled to this pizza". She gave me a surprised look like no one had ever talked back to her before. Carlin and Sarge gave the same mixed look. Like "WTF did you just do CJ" then after she walked out of the door way where she was standing I look over to my friends and went "What the fuck you know what makes her think that cause I bought something with my own money that she's entitled" Which after she was out of the haul way made it sound like i called her a bitch. Which comes to the situation where it's currently at. Apparently Ty wants to have a talk with me about calling his girlfriend a bitch. Which I never did. I will not apologize for something I didn't do. If this means me not going over to their house ever again so be it. Ty's girlfriend caused unnecessary drama which any regular person with an issue like that can come talk to me about face to face. Instead she's now making it an issue with the whole house hold where I didn't hear I was going to get a talk from Ty but from other people in the house which let me know it was a house wide ordeal. Now Carlin and Sarge are afraid to say anything cause they don't want to Upset Ty or go against Ashley. Some friends right? I understand the living situation ordeal but fuck man if I was in either sarge's or Carlin's shoes I would stand up for my friend.

Note: CJ's Flow Chart of How she caused unnecessary drama between me and my friends

CJ brings pizza
|
Ashley makes condescending comment
|
|
CJ says "WTF, what makes her feel so entitled"
|
|
ashley mishears CJ

Option A. Talk to CJ directly and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Option B. Talk to Ty and cause a conflict between friends.

I refuse to apologize for something I didn't do

That's when it struck me. I'm not really like any of these people. These people don't have my back. These people would turn coat just to cover there own asses any day of the week. That's not how I operate. I refuse to spend my time with people that don't deserve it. I feel like I'd be bringing myself down to their level by being with them now. The reason I feel anger now is not at the people but at myself for not seeing what kind of people they where before.

Opportunists and Unloyal.

Sometimes I find myself sitting in a room and thinking I should be somewhere else and with other people, doing something that means something and more valid to my capacity of being. I feel like I have so much more to offer than being just a sears associate or just a student.

I also find myself admiring what some people have because of their own blissful ignorance. Sometimes I feel I'll prevent myself from going into a relationship because I could see it going down hill easily or not working out somehow. Instead of going along for the ride like most people I will just avoid the whole situation. Then again there is 3 times where I was sure that it would go well and then both times they followed a same generic pattern. 1 month happiness, 1 month stress (usually brought on buy "other" things like school or work) and then finally a really messy break up that ends with one of my friends dating the girl I was just dating and her never wanting to talk to me again. It's fair to say I get myself into those situations. I think I'm attracted to girls that make this common and I want to get out of that.

LoL- Just remembered

on a lighter note.

Recently I was at the comic shop and had to take a deuce. I ended up clogging the toilet so bad that even after I plunged it it still wasn't going down. The owner had to come and help me. after a few hours had passed one of the girl associates that knew me and knew of the situations went in and the toilet started to flood everywhere again.

Long story short, I've been told I can never use their bathrooms again.

There's a lot of things recently that make me want to re evaluate what I'm doing with my life and where i could possibly better put to use.